


Just a Kid

by alivelesbian



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:40:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alivelesbian/pseuds/alivelesbian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In hindsight, you remember eight things leading up to where you slump at the moment."</p><p>Terezi's development during her time on the meteor pre-Game Over, in particular through her relationships with Gamzee and Dave, as well as her friendship with Rose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just a Kid

Your name is Terezi Pyrope and god, your life feels like an awful dream.

To your left, your fellow Seer lays beside you.  She’s unconscious, mouth slightly parted open, chest moving rhythmically with her peaceful breaths. It looks like she’s having a better sleep than you did at least.

Trying to recall the events of the previous night is a challenge as per usual.  You’re beginning to hate yourself for how often you end up in this very situation, only this time you managed to find yourself into the company of none other than Rose Lalonde.  Thinking she talks too much about things you don’t care for, you were surprised to realise that she was probably the best person to turn to when you stumbled upon her hunched body in the dark corridor of this depressing meteor.

A flood of pain rushes to your head as you grudgingly push yourself into sitting position.  You’re used to headaches.  You’re used to a lot of pain, but ouch.  Thank fuck it’s almost pitch black.  You pray that Kanaya doesn’t suddenly appear in aid of Rose because you just don’t think you’d be able to handle that level of intense light right now.  Regardless, you rub your eyes and glance around, a pang of shame slapping you as you know you wouldn’t be having this problem if you hadn’t gained your sight back.  Seriously, fuck Aranea for that.  She took away the most unique thing about you.  She destroyed your ability to use your _true_ vision.  She stripped your privilege of not having to physically see the bruises tattooed onto your body by that goddamn clown. 

 _Shit.  Gamzee._  

Oh god oh god oh god.  Where did he go?  Your heartbeat increases and your mind clouds up and you’re not even sure why you feel so worried about the guy.  The recollection of what he did to you just hours ago resurfaces and you _know_ you shouldn’t care that he’s disappeared but you _do_.  This isn’t a new thing, he’s prone to showing up out of the blue, making out with you, beating you and then leaving again, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, and it certainly doesn’t stop you from being concerned for his safety and the safety of your friends.  He could be doing anything out there.  He could probably kill you all at any moment.  At least you could keep an eye on him when he was nearby.  If he never returned, or if he did anything to harm your companions on this meteor, you wouldn’t be able to cope with knowing that if you had kept him closer you could have prevented the tragedy.  Even if it meant he abused you more, one damaged soul is better than seven, right?  _Right?_

You’re useless anyway.  The only thing you can bring these lonely halls is the distraction of Gamzee from his murderous tendencies for just a while.  Hell, and you aren’t even good at that.  Nothing can keep the dude from his random fits of rage for long.  Everybody knows that he’s a lost cause now, and so are you for associating with him. 

In hindsight, you remember eight things leading up to where you slump at the moment. 

 _One:_  Painting “abstract art” (Dave’s words, not yours) with the Mayor.  Listening to his tales of revolution and watching the vivid red of your crayon flow smoothly across the floor.  You adore his stories but you aren’t sure what truth there is behind them. 

 _Two:_ Dave trying to real talk with you and failing drastically.  He’s too much of a cool kid to really admit the core problem here and you’re fine with that because you can’t admit to it either.  You aren’t so fine, however, when he finally cracks and leaves you to “work your shit out”, passing Gamzee in the doorway, exchanging a glare with him because even though he won’t say it, he knows what’s up with your kismesissitude. 

 _Three:_ Gamzee sneering at you as he prepares to do… god knows what.  Pounce at you?  Sit beside you?  Invite you to “slam a faygo” with him?  You can never tell when he’s in one of his more placid moods.  They’re rare, and mostly only happened at the start of your relationship with him.  He lured you in by playing nice and you know this.  You know what a manipulative fuck he is but you’re too far in now to break away from him.

 _Four:_ Gamzee choosing to offer you faygo, which you reluctantly accept because you’ve learnt that it’s easier than resisting.  Tension fills the lab as he tries to hold a conversation with you through fluctuating slurs and inconsistent body language.  

 _Five:_ Gamzee noticing the red crayon that had been cast aside in a panic.  The Mayor crying as Can Town goes flying.  Growling and whimpering, bellowing and shrieking, mercy denied by the mirthful messiah.  The thin line between healthy kismesissitude and abuse blurring rapidly again. 

 _Six:_ Demands spat at you to break off your matespritship with Dave. 

_“Your obsession with that FILTHY red colour is fucking disgusting.  You’re worthless.  You’re just like the mutant and his laughable, unfaithful excuse of a human best bro.”_

_Seven_ :  You, desperately standing your ground.  Gamzee refusing to take no as an answer. 

 _“You ain’t_ motherfucking _worth_ shit _, pathetic teal-blooded slut!”_

 _Eight:_   Hit after hit after hit, kick after kick.  Resistance.  Pain.  Refusal to submit.  Pain.  Yielding.  Pain.  Obeying.  Abandonment.  Faygo.  Pain.  Drink, drink, drink.  Crying.  Numbness. 

Fuck.  Your memory goes hazy after that and you can’t bring yourself to relive the trauma in your head.  You figure that you must have crawled your way out of the lab at some point, though you have no idea what happened to the Mayor.  He has his ways of being okay.  He’s probably searching for Dave to have a feelings jam about the destruction of his town, and for once you don’t think you’re going to try covering up the truth if Dave manages to confront you about your involvement in the situation. 

You glance back to Rose and wonder what on earth happened to her in order to end up passed out on the floor.  Some _vague_ memories begin to come back but they’re out of synch and you can’t place them in linear order.  She stirs next to you, revealing a smashed wine glass that she was laying on top of, and you remember how it got broken almost instantly.

* * *

 

_It must have been a good few hours after your fight with Gamzee that you finally decided to take to the hallways and clear your head of all this faygo.  The stuff is disgusting, but additions are a powerful thing and if they lessen the short term pain then you aren’t going to complain.  A dim glow radiates from the meteor’s common room and you’re tempted to join the festivity, but you know that in reality it’s probably just Karkat in there alone, getting worked up over conversations with his future self.  You have absolutely no desire to witness any of his unnecessary fits of anger right now.  So instead, you make your way further into the void, not even caring that you’ll probably get lost and be unable to find your way back.  You doubt anybody would notice your absence anyway.  With that thought to spur you on, you stumble past Dave’s private block, ignoring the longing you feel to join him as you hear the quiet mumble of his raps through the door.  Usually when you finish your interactions with Gamzee (who hadn’t even shown up for about a week prior to tonight) you lock yourself in your room to fall deeper into a swirling abyss of misery.  But that can wait until later._

_After a while of what you swear is just an endless circle of the same corridor, you trip over something obstructing your path.  Upon closer inspection it is a bottle of wine.  You can hear the soft sobs of a blonde girl nearby._

_“Rose?”_

_The girl spins round frantically but settles down once she realises that it’s you._

_“Oh.  Hey Terezi.  I wasn’t expecting it to be you to find me here in this state.” She sighs, her face relaxing in what you can only assume to be mild relief._

_You crouch beside her, “Why are you here on your own?”_

_She studies you wearily, clearly drunk and unable to articulate her thoughts as well as normal._

_“Kanaya and I, um, we were…” She’s struggling to talk, shaking slightly, so you place your hand on her back and rub gently.  Her body flinches for a moment but she allows you to continue._

_“We were studying ancient Alternian texts in the library.  She was translating for me while I tried to piece together anything that could possibly gear us towards our plan of… of action, when we arrive in the new session.  I wasn’t able to make sense of the evidence like usual, so she began to repri– “ hiccup, “ –mand me about how my inebriation is preventing me from focusing on my important responsibilities–“_

_Another whimper lets itself loose despite her attempts to conceal it.  You always believed that she and Kanaya were on pretty good terms seeing as they rarely left each other’s side.  You feel envious because even though their relationship gets rocky at times, at least they actually discuss things together, which is more than can be said about you and Dave.  And then there’s obviously the giant fucking problem of Gamzee, but since your quadrants differ anyway you know you shouldn’t really compare._

_It’s not like the pounding of your head from your own intoxicated state puts you in much of a position to play the role of therapist.  For the year or so that you’ve been on this meteor you’ve not taken much time to get to know Rose.  She seems well-spirited enough but oh my god, she talks so, so much.  Her Seer powers are far more valued than yours, which intimidates you to the point where you’ve deliberately kept your distance._

_“Ugh, I stormed out on her.” Rose facepalms. “Oh god, why did I do that!  Why do I push away the people that love me!  I’ve closed myself off from Dave and now Kanaya is going to hate me and break up with me, and–“_

_She’s full-scale weeping now.  There’s nothing you can bring yourself to do other than pull her closer.  Perhaps staying with her will act as a distraction from your own shit tonight._

_“Terezi.” She deadpans abruptly.  You realise that she’s noticed the bruises on your arm and hastily withdraw._

_“Gamzee did this to you, didn’t he?”_

_She makes eye contact and you freeze.  She’s incredibly intelligent, sure, but you have no idea how she could have possibly worked it out so fast.  She didn’t even fucking hesitate, the goddamn excellent Seer!_

_No.  She must have found out from somewhere.  Probably Dave, if he knows far more than he’s told you._

_“Why would you think that?”_

_“I had the pleasure of conversing with Gamzee in the vent during one of our dream bubbles.  He told me that the two of you are in one of your, uh, one of your troll hate romances?”_

_Alright, so there’s where the fucker goes. You weren’t sure whether he joined anybody or just plotted ridiculous clown things in a dark corner surrounded by honking horns.  Does his ancestor even know he’s there yet?_

_The next several minutes are spent explaining that yes, kismesissitude, in most basic human terms, can be defined as a hate romance.  You gloss over the finer details in order to avoid having to admit that the way Gamzee behaves isn’t common practice, and that even the most caliginous trolls wouldn’t treat their lovers like how he abuses you._

_Rose reveals that Kanaya has been teaching her about quadrants, although she can’t remember much about them because she is almost always too drunk during the lessons.  She’s about to go into depth about how this frustrates her girlfriend when violently–_

_There’s vomit dripping down her Hero of Light robe and onto the floor._

_It startles you and your first reaction is to abscond but you remain where you sit because you can’t just leave somebody so vulnerable alone.  You know from personal experience how agonising it is to be on your own when all you need is help from your friends.  Instead you assist her to her feet, catching her when she nearly collapses again and guide her steadily back to her room._

_Upon being invited to stay for a while, you enter where Rose spends her time when unaccompanied by Kanaya.  The area is far messier than you would have imagined, with blankets draping off the bed, books carelessly thrown across her desk and clothes scattered around the carpet.  You realise that most of her alcohol is placed next to the alchemiter that’s hidden away in the corner._

_Once you’ve helped her get changed into clean clothes (this is not an easy task for two drunks), Rose offers you a glass of wine as an apology for your trouble and takes a seat on what she thinks is the sofa.  Narrowly missing, the disorientated girl crashes onto the carpet, causing you to laugh for what is probably the first time in days!  She tries to read your expression to understand whether you’re laughing with her or at her, but relaxes and cracks a smile._

_You accept the wine and join her on the carpet, wondering whether human alcohol has the same impact on trolls as it does on humans.  It’s worth a shot (no pun intended) so you watch as Rose downs her glass and swiftly follow when she gazes at you expectantly._

_One drink turns into two, then four into eight, because to hell with your plans of sobering up for the night!  A lesson you learn quickly is that human alcohol does indeed send you further into the downwards spiral of inebriation.  Your head feels lighter than it has in ages.  Faygo never has this impact on you, all it does is make you numb, so you totally get why Rose is addicted to this stuff now.  You hear a smash, and where Rose’s wine once was now lays a disarray of shattered glass._

_Rose mumbles a profanity under her breath and leans down to clean up the mess, though misjudges and forces her full body weight down on it instead.  You rush to her aid but she dismisses your efforts._

_"Terezi!  Terezi, please stop!"_

_Through her slurs you can sense that she's becoming increasingly distressed.  Her vague gestures wave you away so you thud back onto the carpet and rub your head with your hands.  Rose tells you that she doesn’t want to move yet because if she does she’ll probably be sick again and she doesn’t want another pair of clothes to wash when she sobers up._

_About quarter of an hour passes in silence and you’re fairly certain Rose has fallen asleep on the glass.  You contemplate trying to flip her over so that nothing sharp cuts her skin but you’re barely able to keep your eyes open and you don’t want to end up triggering your own nausea._

_You slip into unconsciousness instead._

* * *

 

Rose keeps stirring next to you until she eventually returns to consciousness, groaning as she opens her eyes. 

“Terezi?” she mumbles, “Ouch, what the fu– “

Her brain must have processed that she’s been resting on glass because she suddenly springs into sitting position and rubs where the shards were pressed into the side of her body. 

She studies you in an attempt to recall why you’re there and why you look just as hung over as she is.  She opens her mouth as if to say something but then allows the eerie silence to continue its rein over the room. 

“You should probably get medical attention for those wounds, Lalonde.” You suggest half-heartedly when it becomes apparent that she’s not going to initiate the awkward conversation. 

You observe her check for signs of bleeding under her tshirt.  There’s a small amount of blood, mostly dried up, and splinters of glass in some of the cuts.  Nothing fatal but it still makes the both of you simultaneously cringe.

“Kanaya is good with wounds.  She’s had experience with worse… I’m sure you’re aware.” Rose chuckles, although it seems like it pained her to mention her girlfriend’s name.  

You aren’t too sure what to say, irritation rapidly growing on you as you want nothing more than to just get out of there and spend some time alone, to be able to work through your thoughts and rationally make a decision about whether to seek the aid of Dave.  Your hungover-induced apathy forces you to stay. 

“Ugh.  Kanaya.” The blonde girl grumbles, “I doubt that she’ll want our relationship to continue if this is the pathetic state I end in every night.”

“Yeah, well,” you retort, “try keeping the fact you’re dating a murderous clown that killed most of your friends a secret.”

She turns to stare at you directly.

“Am I the only person who knows?”

You shrug weakly, “I dunno, Dave might?  I mean, I’ve not told him, but believe it or not he’s actually smarter than I like giving him credit for.  And the way he’s been acting lately just… isn’t normal.  Have you noticed anything, erm… _strange_ about him?”

More chuckling, “You’ll need to be more specific.  C’mon Terezi, you’re familiar with him enough now to know that _‘strange’_ is an understatement when it comes to describing my ecto-bro.” 

Talking to Rose has always been hard, so you make a second attempt.

“What I mean is, when you aren’t with Kanaya, you’re usually up to shenanigans with Dave aren’t you?  Has he ever mentioned Gamzee?”

Rose ponders for a moment before replying, “Now that I think about it, he’s not mentioned anything outright to _me_ , but I’ve overheard a few heart-to-hearts he’s had with the Mayor.  It’s safe to assume he knows that there’s something between you and Gamzee that you’ve not revealed to him.”

You sigh, unsure of whether this is the answer you _wanted_ to hear or whether you were just expecting it regardless.  You figure that against your strong initial instinct to keep supressing the secret, Dave having some clue already will make it easier to bring up the issue with him – which you’ve decided you’re _definitely_ going to be doing now. 

Instead of replying, you allow silence to fall again.  It seems Rose is trying to recall the specifics of the events that landed you both here just as you were doing before she awoke.  You watch her face contort, most likely at the memory of throwing up.  If you were in any other state of mind you’d probably have laughed but the memory is all too real for you as well to even contemplate teasing her yet. 

Your head continues throbbing like hell and you’re still far from on the ball socially but Rose is speaking words again, presumably at you so you prepare yourself for another interaction.

“Thank you for taking care of me.  I don’t ordinarily get into _such_ an atrocious state.  But with that said, I don’t ordinarily argue with Kanaya either and that happened last night too.  A first time for everything I suppose.”

This display of gratitude is the closest you’ve had to sincerity from the girl where you haven’t been compelled to be sarcastic or make a dig at her and you aren’t sure what to make of it.  You settle for an awkward half-smile, which gains the same expression from her in return. 

She continues, “I’ve never stormed out like that on her before.  I believe I was expecting her to follow me, ugh, which obviously she didn’t.  Before you found me I remember thinking that I must go back so she wouldn’t worry too much but then I realised that not only was I completely lost in the dark with no sense of direction, even if I did go back, I’d probably infuriated her so much that she’d refuse to talk to me.  So I stayed where I was and just _kept drinking_ to get over feeling so awful.”

If anything, you can certainly relate to the feeling awful part.  You feel it when you’re with Gamzee but somehow it’s even worse with Dave because he doesn’t deserve having to deal with all the secretive blackrom shit that you aren’t even any good at hiding from him. 

However, you aren’t in the condition to offer your sympathies beyond a simple “that really sucks”.  Rose doesn’t respond so you take the opportunity to evaluate the situation as it currently stands: two hungover Seers, two broken red relationships, a number of regrettable life choices and a countless amount of empty bottles (though thankfully no faygo!) thrown disarray on the dirty ground. 

Abruptly there’s a firm knock on the door and you both groan from the noise.  In annoyance you demand to know who’s there seeing as Rose is visibly hesitant.  When the voice on the other side replies “… Terezi?” you realise it can only be Kanaya. 

Rose struggles to stand up, let alone reach the door.  She opens it to reveal a confused, worried and vaguely pissed off-looking Kanaya.  Her glow is brighter than you ever remember it being before and it instantly causes a sharp pain through your eyes.  How the fuck Rose can put up with it when she’s so frequently hungover is a mystery. 

Kanaya’s eyes briefly scan the room before settling on Rose and then you. 

“Terezi,” she repeats as if answering her own question, “how great yet unexpected it is to see you.”

“I’d love to say the same to you but your light is making me feel blind again, so I’m not really seeing much of anything at the moment.”

You manage weak laugh because you don’t want encourage the situation to become any more intense than it’s probably about to get.  Plus you really don’t want to be around for it when it does, you’d rather escape as soon as possible now that Rose won’t be alone when you do. 

Kanaya apologises and lessens the volume of her glow, which you tell her isn’t necessary as you’ll be leaving in a minute anyway.  She asks why you’re there to which you briefly explain the story: that you found Rose and brought her back to where you all are now and stayed with her overnight.  The specific details are up to Rose, because fuck that.

Rose doesn’t make eye contact with Kanaya at all throughout the explanation.  You guess she’s preparing for whatever conversation they’re going to have together so you take this as your cue to leave, excusing yourself with a “see you guys later” and head towards the common room.

Upon arrival you realise that you’re the only one there, indicating that Karkat and Dave are still sleeping since they’re the two that normally inhabit this place in the mornings (or at least what is universally understood as “mornings” on the meteor.  The struggle to alchemize an actual, fully-functional clock isn’t something anyone is likely forget after the complete meltdown of Karkat to the first several failed attempts and his reluctance to follow human hours instead of troll.) There’s not much else to do until either of them wake up so you grab yourself some breakfast to eat while you wait.  Even though your stomach still feels uneasy and you’re tired as hell, you fight against the temptation to slam your face into the food from exhaustion and nap instead.  Sure, it would make for an interesting conversational topic when one of them joins you, but it would probably prompt questions about what the fuck happened last night and you don’t feel like getting into the whole tale again.  Just yet, anyway.

You consider how your first interaction with each of them is going to play out and conclude that it probably won’t exactly be _thrilling_ either way.  Still, you’re absolutely decided you aren’t going to hide away today.  Today you’ll reveal the secret you’ve been holding onto for way too long, and begin the process of getting the help you need to put an end to the abusive cycle that Gamzee has trapped you in.

You have a feeling it’s going to be a long day. 

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve finished writing this fic! Finally! I started writing this near the end of the gigapause and completely forgot about it until recently. I’m hoping the conclusion doesn’t feel too rushed (excuse the fact that I ended on a probably overused by now HS quote), I wasn’t really confident about the direction the plot was heading and I didn’t want to make it too long. Anyway, I tried to keep this as canon as possible but it’s been a while since I’ve reread so sorry about any mistakes! Thank you for reading :)


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